When I was 16, I attempted suicide.

I've never said it out loud before, and I've never told a single person the story. I've hinted at it; I've made references to it, and I've occasionally talked about the subject in reference to myself, but I've never told anyone the story. I don't know why I suddenly feel compelled to spill my guts to the world, but for some reason, it just feels right. I came home from school on a Friday, having just endured another week of hating myself. I hated every aspect of my every image. I hated my face. I hated the way that every morning, I woke up with ten new pimples, which seemed to reappear regardless of how many times I washed my face. Nothing worked. I hated my hair, but I didn't want to get rid of it. It had become my way of rebelling; of telling the world that I was a troubled soul. It doesn't really make logical sense, but to me it did. It was a way of guarding myself. I hid my shrinking figure with baggy clothes, and I hid my scarred wrists with hooded sweatshirts and a quiet persona. I had my friends and my band, but even they didn't know. I sat at home by myself that Friday night and decided it was time. I pulled the NyQuil box from the closet and took ten, in rapid succession. It took barely fifteen minutes for myself to feel the effects; things began to get dark and blurry. I lied down on the couch in the family room, mostly unaware of my surroundings.

I have no idea of the time that elapsed between that moment and when I woke up; all I know is that it wasn't long. I shouldn't have woken back up. Even if those pills had been unsuccessful in killing me, they should have kept me asleep for a very long time. Yet, somehow, I woke back up. I barely registered being awake, and then it hit me. I needed to get these pills out of my system. I stumbled to the bathroom and grabbed my own toothbrush, which I stuffed into my mouth and down my throat, until I was able to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet. Once again, I have no idea how long that lasted; all I know is that it wasn't very long. It felt like forever though.

I finally ceased throwing up, and I went into my room and fell asleep again. I woke up the next day (Saturday) at around 2 P.M. I endured a few jokes from my parents about being a slothful teenager, and then I continued on with my life.

A lot of this is speculation. I have no idea what the medical effects of sleeping pills are, and I don't know exactly what happened that night; some of the things I mentioned may have been drawn from dreams that have merged their way into reality. All I know for sure is that I probably shouldn't have woken up that second time. I don't know exactly what would have happened if I hadn't; I might have just slept for a day or two and then been fine. I truly don't know. I wouldn't even call it a near-death experience, as that would be doing an injustice to all those who have truly touched death and yet returned. I was an immature and depressed teenager who just wanted to do something desperate.

I just want people to understand that this is a significant reason in why I believe in God. Like I said earlier, I don't really know exactly how things happened that night. Thinking back on those events though, I realize now that something else must have been at work. I just don't believe that I should have woken up that second time and been able to make it to the bathroom; especially with those pills inside of me. I don't know if it was something relatively normal or something extraordinary. All I know is what I felt.

Thank you to those who read this. I still struggle occasionally with self-esteem issues (as we all do), but I'm pleased to acknowledge that these days are far behind me. However, I try to live a transparent life, and this is just one more aspect of who I am. I believe that suicide is a cowardly way out, and I would never consider it again. However, I also want everyone to remember how it feels to be worthless, especially the next time you know someone who is feeling that way. As human beings, we have a moral responsibility to care for one another, no matter what the circumstance. Keep that in mind.

(As a postscript, I don't tell this story for attention. If I did, it would be on MySpace and Facebook. We've all been down low, and I'm sure that many people have attempted to die, just as I did. I hope and pray that we all will continue to fight through those moments and love each other. It really is that important).

I just felt I had to write a little bit in here; it has been a few weeks or so, and I try to stay reasonably up to date.

We've all heard the quote that "power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." I first came across it in sixth grade history class, while learning the basics of government and the inherent problems with certain people having positions of power over others. My fascination with government has perhaps only been surpassed from that point by my fascination with the criminally extreme; the serial killers, mass murderers, and inhumane life-takers that seem to plague the news each day. However, this has nothing to do with such morose subjects (although perhaps some would disagree). I wanted to ask a simple question today. What makes the powerful believe that we are all stupid?

My inspiration comes from the recent development in the Eliot Spitzer scandal. Recent new reports have revealed that not only did he solicit a high end prostitute in secret, he used her for various services a grand total of eight times. After successfully shaming his office, publicly humiliating his wife and his family, and disgracing an entire political system, he has thankfully resigned, effective this coming Monday. So obviously, the question is asked... why? Why would someone who seemed to have it all, risk it all on something so incredibly dangerous and frivolous. Well, there's an obvious answer or two. Maybe he just did it for the sex. Maybe he just felt like he wanted something more; something with a little bit of risk involved. I don't know, and it isn't really my place to speculate. His personal life is his, and I don't really need to know about it.

But the true answer lies much deeper beneath the surface of the mindset of the human in power. The fact is, if you look at the recent history of American politicians in power, it reveals a disgusting and vile trend among our nation's leaders. We are the United States of America; we are supposed to represent the picture perfect example of a clean and effective democracy. Instead, we project the image to the world that it doesn't really matter who you sleep with or who you have oral sex with, as long as you have the money to get away with it. Let's look at a few simple examples from both political parties (and some who aren't in politics). Idaho Senator Larry Craig, who seems to find himself on the receiving end of over 50% of Jay Leno's jokes every night, is a perfect example. The man was caught soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex in an airport bathroom. The bathroom had been staked out by police officers, because they were aware that solicitation for sex was a common practice in that particular bathroom. And yet we are supposed to believe that the entire incident was a misunderstanding because Larry Craig has "a wide stance?" Everyone with a brain and a clear head knows that everything he said was completely bogus. It was ridiculous, to say the least. Yet, somehow, he's still in Congress. If you or I were convicted of soliciting sex in an airport bathroom, we'd either be in jail right now or we would be unemployed, because no one will hire someone convicted of a sex crime. I would be asking if you wanted fries with that. Yet, because Sen. Craig sees himself as above the law and above the rules, he is choosing to circumvent the consequences of his actions.

Example two: Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick. He testified repeatedly under oath that he was not having any sort of extra-maritial affair with his chief of staff, Christene Beatty. He was brought to court by two former Detroit police officers who claimed they were fired for investigating his affair. He testified repeatedly that no such affair existed. However, text message transcripts between he and Beatty were leaked to the press that contained such messages as "I've been dreaming of having you to myself for 3 days... relaxing, laughing, talking, sleeping, and making love." In another one he admits that he is "madly in love with her" to which she responds and agrees, and in yet another he jokes about how his bodyguards were right outside the door and "must have heard everything." At the very least, these represent the virtual presence of an affair of the mind; the most likely truth is that they are physical evidence of a steamy love affair between two public officials, each with spouses and children. Yet the man remains the mayor of Detroit to this day. He has basically asked the public to look past these messages because they are five years old, and his only explanation for his behavior is that those messages "represent a very embarrassing time in his life." I think we all figured that out, Mr. Kilpatrick, thank you for your insight.

Go back a few years to Bill Clinton. He is the President of the United States; the leader of the free world, the most powerful man in the universe. He has thousands of reporters following him on a daily basis and his every public and private motion is intensely scrutinized. Not only that, he has a prior history of marital insubordination, and is known as someone who has not remained faithful to his wife. Yet, he believes that he can have an extramarital affair in the White House and not get caught. Worse even then that, he believes that when the truth comes out and the American public begins to see the true extent of his moral corruption, he can lie about it on national television, and get away with the entire thing. As much as I feel Bill Clinton was a decent president in terms of policy, he really should have resigned right then and there. For the President of the United States to have oral sex in the Oval Office with someone other then his wife during his tenure as President is absolutely appalling and disgusting, and it shows an incredible disregard for morality and consequences.

Look outside of politics to Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds; everyone knows they took steroids, and yet they continue to lie about it under oath and pretend that the entire world is part of a massive global conspiracy to ruin their lives. In their mind, we are all ignorant fools. That is really what it boils down to. In the mind of the powerful, when they commit a crime or do something against the rules, and then get caught, they assume that because we aren't as rich and famous as they are, we naturally have the I.Q. of roadkill. The evidence against Roger Clemens contains basically everything aside from a written confession and a picture of him with a needle in his ass, and the evidence against Barry Bonds is even stronger. These men, along with a large amount of their slightly-less-famous co-stars expect us to believe that nature suddenly miraculously allowed them to hit 30 more home runs and 100 more R.B.I.'s simply because they pounded a little more iron in the weeks leading up to training camp. It is a mockery and a joke, but it is a perfect example of how they see us. Look at Marion Jones; some people said she shouldn't go to prison, arguing that it wouldn't accomplish anything in the grand scheme of things. They couldn't be more wrong. By sending Marion Jones to prison, the justice system sent a message to this lying pigs that they are human. What did sending her to jail do? It gave her the consequences for her actions, which she knew good and well. If I lied under oath, I'd go to jail. If you lied under oath, you'd go to jail. If Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Marion Jones or anyone else lies under oath, they deserve to go to jail.

There are so many more examples. Mark Foley and his pages; yes, there is something seriously wrong with him, obviously, but he felt that he could sexually abuse boys and have no real consequences. He should go to jail, not rehab. Ted Haggard, a man who shares my religion and lead a congregation in preaching and teaching the morals of Christianity and Jesus Christ, solicited a male prostitute and purchased illegal drugs. He is a disgusting and immoral example of the abuse of power. Gary Hart and his "catch me if you can"  with the media; he thought they could never catch him because he had all the power. Marion Barry and his... I won't even try to list them, he's just a creep. Nixon and Watergate, or Kennedy and Monroe. Those in power should be the shining example of morality and abiding by the law of the land. Instead, they have proved to be nothing but a corrupt group of perverted old men. Governor Spitzer has taken a step in the right direction by resigning, and hopefully will issue a proper apology eventually, instead of the vague and distant statements he has made so far. Either way, he is a prefect example of the disturbing trend of infidelity and moral dilapidation that plagues our government and wealthy, and I hope we can start to make them realize the consequences.

As Good Charlotte once said, "And did you know if you were caught smoking crack
and McDonald's wouldn't even want to take you back,
you could always just run for mayor of D.C."

Being as much of a fan of the double entendre as I am, the title of this blog made me smile a little...

Today is opening day for Mulan, and so I figured it was an appropriate time to share a story or two about how exactly this show came to be. As Joe knows well, and a few other people may be familiar with, these shows used to be passed down. The directors would identify the two people they felt were best suited to handle the process, and they would simply hand down the show. I had the good fortune of being the final product of that particular system. Joe and Christina chose Martin and I as the next team. Little did I know that there was significant unrest among the adult production team concerning the student-directed production. I still remember the various reactions I received when I began to speak with different adults about the production. Several of them were downright rude, stating simply that they had no interest in continuing the student production, and so I really should just forget about it. One of them told me very clearly that the tradition of passing the production down was going to be stopped, and so if the adults felt that we were appropriate for the job, then maybe they would consider doing another small production.

More suggestions were made; at one point, a few people began to suggest that we cast a small drama with a cast of 4 or 5 and do a "black box theatre" in the recital hall. Well, if you know me, you know I didn't even think about doing that. Eventually, I persuaded the "powers that be" to buy into the idea. I sent a long and comprehensive production plan over, I found people willing to make a commitment to what we needed, and I just kept believing that this could be a success. I'm not trying to make myself out as the savior here, but I really think the adults were sick and tired of this student involvement.

Well, the production happened, and I knew from the moment it ended that no one from the adult side wanted to do it again. I received a few congratulations, a few hugs and then it was done. I never received a single point of extra credit in Choir for it, and Tim clearly didn't care about all of the hard work; I was rewarded with an obsolete and useless part in High School Musical. However, in my mind, the experience and the incredible feeling of accomplishment and success that I enjoyed during the run of the show was too incredible to simply allow it to die out with my show. So I decided to try and chose my successors. I already knew that if the production was to occur next year, the adults would be choosing the team who took it on. However, I figured I could still attempt to sway things a little bit, at the very least. Around February, I spoke with Kelly once or twice about whether she would be interested in directing the show her senior year. I didn't know much about her; all I knew is that she had come from another school and supposedly had a significant amount of theatre experience. I knew she was friendly and likable; and not even in the other "likable" way; that was still a little bit down the road =]. I also knew that Andrew seemed to be a good person to be involved in some way; he was artistic, which was something we were drastically lacking in the theatre department. We could all sing and dance, but ask us to draw anything, and you would get crickets from top to bottom.

In the end, the choice that was made had nothing to do with me. I was there when the choice was made, but only because I had asked the right people at the right time. They wanted nothing to do with me, and they had no interest in my opinions. That did sting a little bit; I felt like I had earned more then that. Apparently not, though. However, the team that was chosen was ideal. They combined the two teams and brought their talents in different areas together. I'm not going to lie; at the time, I thought it was a terrible idea. I warmed up to it as time went by, and now I feel that the adult team made a very wise choice. I am excited for the show.

However, I do want to say one thing. Ms. Garvis made a very interesting point when I was talking with her the other day. She made the point that what the adult production team really loves to do is leave everything in the show to students. They praise the students for their initiative and organizational skill, and then when the time comes (as it always does) where one student-run aspect of the show realizes that it is in over its theoretical head (or theatrical head, if you pardon the pun), they love to swoop in and "come to the rescue," when they really should have been offering guidance from the outset of the production. She is absolutely correct in that notion. I'm not in the business of mentioning names here without proper evidence to support my claims (I don't write for the Bowie Blade, after all), so I won't go down that road. However, suffice it to say that with Aladdin and with Mulan, the students were not the only people to drop the ball on elements of responsibility. The adult team simply stood by and watched as certain things went wrong, and then once they realized that it was probably time to play Superman, they cruised in and made everything better. You won't ever hear them admit it, but its the truth, and they won't ever let you forget it. With Aladdin, I am constantly reminded, however subtly, by those powers who made significant contributions to my show.

I desperately want to see this show continue to thrive. I'm sick and tired of everyone saying that "there won't be a show next year." Unless Mrs. Minor suddenly decides to: A) Cut the size of her Chamber Choir in half, or B) Start going to festivals in Annapolis or Baltimore, there will be a need for the money generated from this show. As I have said before, Aladdin made nearly 10,000 dollars when it was all said and done. I, however, paid full price for San Diego and received a B in choir that quarter, because I was sick the day of our major notebook check. I'm not bitter one tiny bit about the money aspect of it; money had absolutely nothing to do with why I directed that show, and that is the absolute truth. I loved the fact that the money was going towards the scholarships for other people in choir who wanted to go on the trip but couldn't. However, what it proves is that this second show is needed. As long as the trips keep getting bigger and the cost of going places keeps going up, there will be a need for the additional revenue produced by these shows. It just angers me to see such arrogance on the part of these adults. Yes, they can put together an incredible show. Peter Pan was excellent, High School Musical was... well, we won't go there, and Once Upon A Mattress was superb. However, their arrogance is growing old.

It is for that very reason that I find myself incredibly proud of Kelly, Carl and Andrew. I had nothing to do with their success; I'm simply the sound engineer (and occasionally Kelly's personal cheerleader, without skirt and pom-poms). However, they have truly done this themselves. They have taken each aspect of the show and handed it to a student, and most of those areas have been wildly successful, save for one or two. I am so incredibly grateful for that. This is truly a show by the students. There are a few adults that were essential to the process, but guess what? When you see the show tonight, there won't be any adults involved. All the people on stage are students; all the tech crew are students; all of the booth crew and spot crew are students. Even a fair amount of the staff for the center itself will be students. This show should serve as ice to the face of those adults who were sleeping in their own publicity, and exemplifies what students can do.

To conclude, go see Mulan. It's going to be a wildly successful example of why no school in the county or state can rival the scale at which Bowie High treats our theatre. More importantly though, it will be an example of what students can do.

Performances are this weekend and next weekend; Friday and Saturday at 7:30 and Sunday at 2:30.

Break a leg!

I love when I read one of my old blogs from three or four years ago, and find that I still feel exactly the same way as I did when I wrote it. I was just scanning through a few old posts, and I found one about Valentine's Day. I still feel exactly the same way about it as I did four years ago.

I don't have a problem with Valentine's Day. You all know how much I enjoy talking about love. It is one of my favorite subjects, and I blog about it on a fairly frequent basis. It is for that very reason that I don't have a problem with Valentine's Day. Any day that encourages people to show love, regardless of the reason, is something that I believe has a value in our society. Save your stupid "it's too commercial" arguments, alright? Everything is too commercial. Christmas is a joke, Easter doesn't even exist anymore (it's spring break now) and Thanksgiving is just a time for turkey sales and NFL executives to give thanks in their obscene profits. Every holiday is a commercial fanfare. President's Day is the time to buy a new car, Fourth of July is the time to buy a new car (ironically, often a foreign car). Even think about national disasters; when September 11th hit, car dealers around the nation brought in "patriotic 0% financing." They didn't care one bit about being patriotic, but the nation's heightened sense of national pride allowed any company with a flag and The Star Spangled Banner in their ad to make serious money. Everything is commercial today, and so if you reject one holiday for its commercialism, you may as well reject them all.

However, the point I made in my old blog is simple. In the end, you really only enjoy Valentine's Day when you're with someone. All the people who moan and complain about Valentine's Day and its ridiculous commercialism are typically single, and all the people who defend Valentine's Day are typically making plans with their significant other for the day itself. It's the same idea as Christmas. If you believe in the Christmas story and subscribe to the Christian view of Christmas, you despise the commercialism and secularism of "the winter holidays" and embrace the religious meaning of Christmas. If you don't believe in these things, the commercialism of Christmas doesn't really affect you, because Christmas is more of a break from life then a time to reflect. Obviously I'm making generalizations here; every point is going to have a counterpoint, and you can feel free to point yourself out as the exception to the rule. "But Ben, last Valentine's Day, I wasn't with anyone, and my friends and I all had a great time anyways." Well, good for you. But I stand by the fact that those who have the privilege of sharing Valentine's Day with a significant other are mostly those defending it, and those spending Valentine's Day single are those who deplore it. It's not a bad thing; it actually makes perfect sense. It's just an interesting observation.

My suggestion for this Valentine's Day: try to skip the commercial aspect of it. Giving a gift on Valentine's Day is a special thing, and I will most certainly be taking part in giving a gift this year, but giving that gift is something extra. Regardless of whether you're single, taken, unsure, or whatever else, take Valentine's Day as an opportunity to show love to those you care about the most. Write them a little note, pull them aside and thank them, or just figure out some way to make sure they know you consider them to be special to you, and that you love them. Obviously, my priority on Valentine's Day is Kelly. But she's not my only friend; she's not the only person who has let me vent and wiped my tears away, and she is not the only person who has shared many a joyous summer day with me, or countless other experiences. Valentine's Day is about love. Forget the doubters and naysayers who tell you its about expensive jewelry, sappy cards and ridiculous boxes of candy. It's just about that raw and pure emotion of affection; platonic, romantic, and everything in-between. It's about love, and I really can't find anything wrong with that.

Have you ever had one of those moments where your eyes just open?

You're sitting down, doing nothing out of the ordinary, when something hits you, and you finally see it. I had one of those tonight, and it has been coming for a long time.

It's about abortion.

Just a short six months or so (give or take), I began to openly express myself as pro-choice. I would explain to those who asked that I believed that outlawing abortion was depriving a mother of her most basic right to choose what becomes of her body and what she carries within it. I still found abortion to be sick and despicable, but I believed it should remain legal and available. I'm a strong liberal American, after all. Isn't that part of the required package?

Well, for the first time in a long time, I am openly admitting that I was completely wrong, and I am challenging anyone who still believes in the right to an abortion to strongly reconsider their position. Allow me to explain.

I understand the arguments for abortion. There are arguments regarding state's rights, a mother's right to her own child, and many other complicated and difficult viewpoints and factors to sort through and consider. However, by considering one of these viewpoints, you must first come to one conclusion. In order to believe one of these viewpoints, you must automatically accept that abortion is not murder. It is that simple. If you believe that a woman has a right to an abortion, then you can not believe that abortion is murder, because it is a simple fact that no one has the right to murder. Soldiers and law enforcement have the right to kill, under certain specific circumstances, and we as humans have the right to fight a deadly force with a deadly force, but no one, no matter what the circumstance, has the right to murder. Many people do not believe that abortion is murder, and they quote scientific facts and data to support their point. Compelling physical evidence does show some very controversial facts about whether an embryo can be called a "human" at early developmental stages. Others contend that if something can not sustain itself, it is not a "living being." I understand each of these perspectives, and I can see the evidence; it can appear compelling. But I think I finally realized that this is a case of logic. I now firmly believe that in 50 or 60 years, abortion will be looked upon in the same category as slavery and genocide. These are human beings. When an embryo is terminated at six weeks, or eight weeks, or however many weeks, a life that would have occurred otherwise is eliminated. I want to challenge you to see this.

Everyone who reads this knows that I have incredibly strong opinions, and I very rarely sway from them. But I'm sorry; pro-choice is not acceptable to me anymore. It's a kind way of saying pro-death. Abortion is an extremely complicated issue; don't ever think that because I believe something different, I don't see that. It is an alternative for those who did not plan on having a child and may not have the financial or emotional resources to handle the raising of a child. No matter what, I will always support emergency clauses for extreme situations, where the birth of the child could endanger the mother, or where the mother is simply physically incapable of carrying and delivering the child due to physical challenges. I also would include rape as an extreme circumstance, as no person who has been forcibly impregnated should have to face the additional trauma of watching their horrible experience continue to haunt them. However, life has consequences, and I just can no longer live with the argument that being emotionally unprepared or simply not desiring of a child is a reasonable excuse not to have the child. I have always despised the simplicity with which evangelical Christians like my own church dismiss abortion, simply stating "give it up for adoption." It isn't that simple, and I know that. But abortion is not acceptable. It is the elimination of life.

Think of it this way. My cousins were born just over six weeks ago now; both were born extremely prematurely due to labor complications and were both delivered under three pounds. Thankfully, God has graced them with heath, and they are both doing extremely well. However, under Maryland law, because my cousin was experiencing complications which resulted in the premature birth, the babies could have been declared "unwanted" and thus aborted. I have seen both of my beautiful baby cousins, and have gotten to hold one of them. They are the most beautiful little human beings on the planet, and watching my cousin finally get to hold them brought a small measure of tears to my eyes. To think that they could have been declared unwanted is unthinkable. I understand that was an ethos example to a logic-based argument, but it fits with what I'm trying to say. Here's the logic for you: if my cousin had given birth to her children and then drowned them in the sink, she would be tried for murder. If she had decided a week prior that the children were unwanted, they would be aborted, and no one would ever be convicted of the loss of two lives that would have otherwise occurred. I understand where those who disagree with me are coming from, and as I stated before, this is an incredibly complex and difficult issue. However, I think I finally believe that the truth is simple. A life is a life.

To address one last thing, yes, the fact that Kelly is very passionate about this issue is part of the reason it was in my mind. It makes me incredibly proud to see how strong she is about it, and how she offers no apologies for her beliefs. However, don't somehow go away thinking that my change of stance is based upon a desire to be more agreeable. (Those who know me know that I could care less about being agreeable). I admire her for her courage on the issue, and I believe she is a shining example of the fight for life. I doubt I'll ever be on the front lines for this; it still does stir up controversy within myself every time I think about it. However, my eyes were opened tonight. There's something about abortion that just doesn't make sense. If something is a life, with a plan and a fate, then why should we be allowed to choose its fate? It doesn't make sense.

10:46 P.M. (CST)

Today was the big day. It was our final full work day, and
basically our last opportunity to make significant and substantial progress on
the Lee house. We woke up bright and early, as usual. I really slept poorly
last night, so I was pretty exhausted, but I knew I needed to get myself awake
enough to stay in good spirits on the job today. Breakfast was simple, as
usual, and then we headed out to the house.

Today was all about finishing projects. Uncle Bob and I went
straight to work on finishing all of the different areas of the house that we
had been working on. He and a few of the other men had to drop by the hardware
store this morning, so I started off by myself, cutting the linoleum floor for
the master bathroom. As soon as he arrived, we finished laying down that
flooring and went to work on the trim boards. As of this morning, trim still
needed to be placed in the main living room/kitchen, two bathrooms, two closets,
the main hallway and the utility room. Also, we were tasked with framing two
more doors and extending the door jam on one of them because the opening had
been improperly framed when it was done. As of tonight, all of those tasks are
finished. We really just spent today focusing on nothing else but making sure
that we accomplished every single task we set out to do. Rod and Rick have been
working all week on the deck in the back, and they finally completed it today.
They took it from absolutely nothing to a finished deck, complete with overhead
roof, shingles, stairs, and high-quality finished wood. They did an incredible
job. My dad worked on a lot of the casing for the kitchen cabinets and the
finish board for the exterior portions of the kitchen as well. We have just a
few simple tasks to accomplish tomorrow, and then we are on our way home.

The weather today was absolutely incredible. Even though I’m
a much larger fan of cold winter weather (I would much rather have had the snow
you Bowie people got), I can’t deny that today’s weather was amazing. It’s the
middle of January, and I’m working in shorts and a t-shirt, enjoying a hot
lunch in 70 degree weather. You really can’t pick more optimal working weather.
It wasn’t warm enough to make you feel hot, but it wasn’t cool enough to chill
you. It found a happy medium and stayed there.

I’m going to leave my reflections on the trip until my last
entry, as it’s late and I’m very tired. I’m also going to add pictures
tomorrow, for the same reason. I’ll talk to you all tomorrow.

God Bless,

Ben

6:44 P.M. (CST)

Today was, without a doubt, a really, really nasty day. I
woke up this morning around 6 or so, having slept very poorly, and it had
already begun to rain. I stood in the shower for a minute this morning and just
listened to the rain hit the roof overhead. Ordinarily, I actually enjoy waking
up on a rainy morning. I love the sound of rain tapping against the ceiling. However,
today was a little different. I had to get up and work in that rain, so I wasn’t
quite as thrilled about it. Our group ate a quick breakfast and then headed
straight for the worksite.

As I mentioned, conditions were miserable today. The rain
was coming down hard, and it was coming down sideways, in every possible
direction. The wind was whipping, and the sun was nowhere to be found. The temperature
hovered around 35 degrees all day, occasionally moving towards 40, but never any
warmer than that. Basically, we spend all day soaking wet, cold, dirty, stinky,
covered in sawdust, and still working as hard as possible at the same time.
Despite the conditions, we accomplished a remarkably large amount of tasks
today. Uncle Bob and I started out the day working on the headboards for the
doors in the house. Like I mentioned yesterday, they needed to be cut down to
size in order to fit the doors that the owner picked out. We finished cutting
those out and moved on to floor trim, which involved a significant amount of
complicated angle cutting, just like the trim work we did on the screen yesterday.
Cutting and placing the base boards occupied the rest of our day.

Overall, the interior of the Lee house made incredible
progress today. Every single door except for one was installed, and that one
door was only missing because the opening was too wide for the pre-hung door.
We’re going to fix that tomorrow. The electric team came today and installed
all of the light fixtures and the main fusebox for the house, which completely
changed the look of the interior. All of the baseboard trim is down, aside from
the one room where the door isn’t installed yet. All of the casing and trim
around the closet doors was installed today as well. My dad and Felix worked on
casing for the main kitchen cabinet panels today, and the kitchen is completely
ready aside from the dishwasher and the countertop. Unfortunately, both of
those items are backordered, and won’t be installed until after we’re gone.
However, it is still incredibly exciting to see the interior progress we made
today, in spite of the less than optimal working conditions.

Today’s rain was fascinating for one reason though. I
mentioned earlier this week that seeing the calm ocean every day makes it very
difficult to visualize what it was like here to during Katrina. Today’s rain
allowed me to understand a little more how the storm was so devastating. Even
though it rained all day today, we only got about one inch of rain. Yet, within
an hour or so of arriving on the job site, the sides of the roads were filling
up with water everywhere you went. This area is so low to the ground in
relation to sea level, it is incredible to see how such a tiny amount of rain
can completely alter the conditions.  It
then makes it impossible to imagine the effects of Katrina, where it rained
non-stop for days and days, and sent the ocean into a roaring frenzy. This
place doesn’t handle small amounts of water well; I can’t even picture what it
must be like here when it really rains.

Another little interesting fact here: the house we are
working on is right next door to Yankie Stadium, which for the relief workers
here, is basically base camp. Yankie Stadium is where all of the supplies and
tools for Habitat for Humanity are stored and kept safe. More importantly
though, Yankie Stadium (which used to be the football stadium for the local
high school) is the location where the Salvation Army has served lunch every
single day, Monday through Friday, since Katrina. Every single week since
Katrina hit, Salvation Army workers have worked long hard hours to make sure
that a free lunch is available for all relief workers, regardless of what organization
you are affiliated with. When you really sit down and think about that, it is a
spectacular thing to consider. Every single day of the work week, without fail,
you will find a lunch at the Salvation Army post. They don’t care who you are,
where you’re from, what group you’re here with, or whether you’ll ever be back
again. The important thing to them is that you are adequately fed. Nothing
else; no strings attached or questions asked. The only thing that matters is
that you are hungry, and they are here to help. This is the type of
unconditional love that these organizations show on a daily basis, without ever
showing signs of wear or weariness. They can be counted on, no matter what.
When Biloxi is finally rebuilt, and things return to some sense of normal in
the entire city, organizations like these will quietly move on to their next
job. These thankless jobs are remarkable examples of unconditional devotion. It
truly is a sight to behold.

One last story from the day. As I have mentioned before,
Myra, the owner of the house we’re working on, frequently stops by and says
hello, and allows us to update her on our progress from the day. She stopped by
today around 5:00, as we were getting ready to pack up and head to dinner. She
seemed completely unaffected by the dreary conditions, and enthusiastically
insisted that we show here the progress we had made that day. We showed her
around for a few minutes, and then ended up standing and talking with her
before we all left. As we were leaving, she suddenly called for a group hug.
Now, remind yourself that my work team consists of six other adult males, all
of whom could be my father (or grandfather, for one). I didn’t know what to
expect. But, without one moment of hesitation, every man in our group pushed
together and embraced her in a massive group hug, smiling, laughing and
expressing how thankful we were to spend time with her. That just isn’t
something you wouldn’t normally see. It was an absolutely perfect metaphor for
the tone and attitude of this relief effort. It isn’t really something normal;
it’s a lot of people from incredible diverse and different backgrounds, coming
together regardless of race, religion, gender, creed or any other factor and
simply rallying behind the simple fact of human existence and the right of
every person to live where they chose to make their home. It is the type of
cause that leads grown men (who have been on their feet for 10 hours in the
nasty, rainy, cold and windy weather) to embrace each other and a relative
stranger, without a moment of hesitation. It almost made you forget that the
sun wasn’t out today. To be honest, it didn’t really matter after that.

(from left: Felix, myself, Rod, Rick, Bob, Myra (the owner), and Barry. My dad took the picture).

Tomorrow is our final full work day, and most likely my last
post from here in Biloxi. I am proud of the work we have done here, and excited
for the work still to be done. However, I am prepared to head home. Please
continue to pray for everything and everyone here in this region and other
disaster zones around the globe as well. I’ll talk to everyone tomorrow.

God Bless,

Ben

7:15 P.M. (CST)

Things are slowly starting to come together on the Lee
house. Every little bit of progress is significant; every door is important,
every piece of flooring makes a difference, and every board of siding completed
means being one step closer to moving the owner back into her home. It’s an
exciting thing to think about.

Today started out just like the other work days, with one
exception. I got about an extra half-hour of sleep today because we had our
first day of self prepared breakfast. Let me tell you something; having several
scrambled eggs, a pop-tart and two bagels (and three glasses of milk) sure
gives you a whole lot more energy for the day then one piece of French toast
and a cup of water. We headed out to the Lee house refreshed and energized. We
also had a lot of momentum to accomplish as much as possible today, because
tomorrow has a 90% chance of rain, for almost the entire day. We have a lot
that we can accomplish indoors, so we decided today was going to be a day
focused on successfully completing as much of the exterior work as we possibly
could. Naturally, our plan worked to perfection, as my entire morning work
shift was spent inside, framing and hanging doors.

Lunchtime rolled around, and we decided as a team that today
was an appropriate day to enjoy lunch on the town. We drove over to Desporte, a
local seafood place that was highly recommended among those in our crew who
have been here before. They were not kidding. I got myself the fried shrimp
platter, expecting nothing more then what you would typically find at a side of
the road seafood restaurant. Trust me, I was VERY wrong. This was the most
incredible seafood I have ever tasted. I popped the first shrimp in my mouth
and almost choked on it, it was so good. This area may not be the highest in
terms of quality of life or other commonly measured factors, but I can honestly
say that I have never experienced any other place in the entire world where the
food is as good. Every food stop we’ve made so far has been phenomenal (excluding
Waffle House… not that there’s anything wrong with Waffle House. It just isn’t
quite up to par with some of these other places).

After lunch, we headed back and finally got to work on some
of the outside jobs. Uncle Bob and I climbed up the scaffolding again to start
attaching the screening to the framing we cut and placed yesterday and the day
before. We worked together to staple up the screen, and then I headed down to
the miter saw to handle the angles while Uncle Bob shouted down measurements to
me. I’m starting to feel really comfortable with the majority of the tools down
here. All of the nailing and staple guns have become almost second nature, and
the different saws are pretty simple to handle as well. I did get a little
frustrated with my dad today. I had been cutting angles for Uncle Bob all
afternoon, and then at 4 o’clock or so he comes over and starts trying to point
out what I’m doing wrong. He didn’t mean anything by it though, and it wasn’t
any big deal. It does reflect a bit of a larger truth though, which is that
even though I’m here with six other adult men, and I’m 18 years old, I’m not
truly viewed as an adult within the group quite yet. I’m actually fine with
that, to be honest. It’s just somewhat of an interesting observation.

We’re making steady progress on the house. As of the end of
the day today, the front of the house is about half-way screened in. The bottom
portion will probably be done on Thursday, as the only we were could do it
tomorrow is if it doesn’t rain. All of the flooring is done in the entire
house, and over half of the doors are in place. The kitchen is in place, and we’re
expecting the countertop to arrive either tomorrow or Thursday. The electrician
is also supposed to come tomorrow to pull a few additional circuits for the
dishwasher and microwave. The back porch is nearing completion, with just a few
railings to finish and then the posts to put in. Baseboard and trim pieces are
ready to be cut and placed, as soon as the painting crew is finished. It is
sometimes very difficult to work in a house with so many different crews, but
once things get organized, it moves remarkably quickly. I’m hopeful that by the
end of the week, we will leave the home almost ready to be lived in.

I am starting to grow a little weary of this trip. I am
still grateful for this opportunity and incredibly excited for the work still to
be accomplished, but at the same time, the long hours and cramped living space
is starting to take its toll. The bed is not very comfortable, so I don’t sleep
especially well, and even with our group taking control of our own meals, there’s
a big difference between burgers and pizza from Winn-Dixie and my mom’s
home-cooked dinners. People here are also very strange in a lot of ways (not
the residents, the other workers) and not all of them are especially simple to
get along with. I say all of this not to complain, because more than ever this
trip has shown me that I have nothing to complain about. It’s just the truth. I’m
somewhat cramped and sore, but I’m part of a group working for a greater good. That
is more important than anything else.

I hope you all are having a good week. I miss talking to all
of you; please keep praying for us and the people here, and pray for good weather
for the rest of the work week. I’ll talk to you all tomorrow.

God Bless,

Ben

8:24 P.M. (CST)

Today was definitely a day of ups and downs. I woke up this
morning at 5:30 to catch my morning shower and have a few minutes for morning
devotion before the rest of the room woke up. I got a fairly decent night of
sleep, so I was feeling pretty good as we headed to breakfast. There was an
excited feeling in our whole group; even though we had already done two days of
work, today was Monday. It symbolized the beginning of a whole new work week,
full of challenges and progress.

However, those plans seemed to come crashing down the moment
we entered Bethel for breakfast. Breakfast this morning consisted of one piece
of French toast and one sausage patty. There were also some slim cereal
options, but other than those choices, there was absolutely no food to fuel
seven adult male appetites. It really was ridiculous. We were discussing it as
we headed out to the work site, and even though we all understand that the
church works on a budget, there are certain things that are non-negotiable, and
properly feeding your workers is one of them. After breakfast, we did our best
to set aside our empty stomachs and head to the worksite with a positive
attitude and plenty of energy. However, at least for me, the day still had
several frustrating turns to come.

The first part of the morning was consumed by an opening
ceremony, of sorts, which consisted mostly of information we already knew,
combined with endless picture taking. Once we arrived at the Lee house, which
is our blitz house for the week (it’s the house that we have been tasked to
focus on and accomplish as much as we possibly can in the week that we’re
here), Uncle Bob and I headed to the house on stilts to finish the job we had
left the day before. However, when we pulled up to that house, we found over 20
people there already, starting to paint and put in cabinets. This obviously
made our task of putting down flooring impossible, so we headed back to the Lee
house to find some work there. However, when we arrived at the Lee house, we
discovered that several of the necessary pieces of lumber were actually back at
the stilts house. So Uncle Bob and I got back in the van again and went over to
the stilts house to pick up the supplies we needed. Finally, we returned to Lee
and prepared to get started. It wasn’t over yet though. We discovered that we
were short on some other supplies, so Uncle Bob and I made another run to the
main supply area for Habitat to pick up the wood we needed. Of course, they didn’t
have what we needed, so we had to drive over to Biloxi Lumber and purchase the
needed lumber. Finally, after all of those trips (which ended up costing us
close to two hours of time), we had the supplies to get to work.

I spent the majority of the morning up on the scaffolding on
the front of the house, helping Mr. Barry and Uncle Bob design framing that
will eventually be used to screen in the front porch. It was pretty tedious
work; it involved a lot of measuring exact angles and precision cutting, with
several small edits needed. However, it provided a nice break from the flooring
work that I had been doing for the last few days. I really enjoyed working up
high and actually accomplishing something that seemed to have a little more
substance to it. I also got to use the nail gun for the first time, which did
make me somewhat nervous. For those who haven’t heard the story, last time our
group went to Biloxi, one of the guys shot a framing nail through his thumb
using the nail gun. It was not a pretty sight, and it did not help me feel more
comfortable using the gun. However, I got used to it quickly, and enjoyed
mastering it. Lunch is provided by the Salvation Army; it is simple, to the
point, and most importantly, available in large quantities. After that, we
headed right back to work.

The most rewarding part of the day by far was meeting the
owner. We weren’t expecting a visit from her; she just pulled up unexpectedly.
She was a woman with a twinkle in her eye. She stepped out of her car smiling,
and she smiled the whole time she was there. She gave every one of us a huge
hug, and thanked us repeatedly for the work we were doing. Her son was with
her; he was nine, and in the third grade. He was a very big kid; he was probably
six inches shorter than me, even at half my age. He brought around his school
project (which I included a picture of) and he helped my dad and I put in a
door. It was very moving to see the owner walk through the house, just thanking
every person in sight for all they had done. You always have to remind yourself
down here that when you meet an owner, they have lost everything. Their house
has been gutted, completely, and yet they arrive with a smile on their face. It
really is an inspiration. She also brought her dog, Chichi, who was a feisty little
dog, but warmed up to me pretty quickly.

We made a decision tonight that we’re going to fend for
ourselves for the remainder of the meals. It’s nearly impossible to have energy
and enthusiasm on the job site after such a meager breakfast, and having a
dinner around the same size makes matters worse. We ate at an excellent Mexican
restaurant tonight, and we stopped by the grocery store to pick up breakfast
supplies for the rest of the week. I really do appreciate the meals that Bethel
provides, but it just doesn’t cut it for the work we’re doing.

I’m excited for all the work we’re going to be doing on the
Lee house this week. The last picture I’ll include is the interior of the house
at the end of the day, complete with wood floor, kitchen floor, kitchen
cabinets, and trim boards ready to be put down. There’s still a massive amount
of work to be done, and it is going to continue far beyond when we leave, but I
am still excited for everything that we will be able to accomplish. I am a
little sore from today, and as you can imagine, I don’t sleep very well here,
so I do miss home a little bit. However, there’s too much work to be done here
to really focus on a few aches here and there. Keep praying for us and the
whole relief effort here in Biloxi and the whole Gulf Coast, and I’ll talk to
everyone tomorrow.

God Bless,

Ben

8:35 P.M. (CST)

It’s funny how a half-day of work and a full night’s rest
can still leave you tired at the end of the day, but today has without a doubt
accomplished that feat. We woke up this morning, nice and late, and lounged
around until around 9:30. We ate a light breakfast and headed out to church at
Lutheran Church of the Good Sheppard, the local LCMS church. It was a pretty
radical change from the music I’m used to at Trinity. It wasn’t overly
traditional or contemporary; in the most respectful and reverent way possible,
it was clearly highly dedicated and heartfelt… but fairly painful. However, the
sermon was nice and the people were extremely thankful for our presence there.

Lunch before heading out on the job was at Waffle House; we’ve
decided that our trip is being sponsored by Waffle House (or perhaps fueled by
Waffle House). We headed back to the home we were working on all day yesterday
and finished laying down the wood below the linoleum floor. Daniel and his son
Raymond had already done a significant amount of work when we arrived, so we
were able to get straight to work. We had a rather large dilemma when we were
faced with the task of laying down 12” wide laminate floor in a room that was
around 11”7’. We found a solution by rolling the flooring out sideways in the
room and then swinging it around, straightening it and smoothing it while
measuring for the cutouts we needed, and then going around with our knives and
cutting each piece at a time. The room ended up looking pretty close to
professional (or as close as we could get, considering… well, who we are).
These two pictures below are of the big room I was just describing, and a small
bathroom that we also put the floor on today

After that, we moved to a home a few minutes down the road,
which had been recently rebuilt on stilts around nine feet in the air. Our
first task there was to move several heavy kitchen cabinets up into the house.
However, the catch was that the only way to get up into the house right now is
to climb a ladder. I would go on a small rant about the logic of completing the
interior of a home before completing the stairs necessary to enter the home,
but I’ll spare you my sarcasm. Either way, we had to get creative at this
point. We put two large boards from the ground to the front deck and had two
guys on the ground push each cabinet up the boards. My uncle and I were on the
deck above, pulling each cabinet up using a rope that we were stringing around
them. Here’s a pictures that gives you a little bit of an idea of how it
worked, but it required some creativity.

Once we had accomplished that, we started working on more
flooring in preparation for tomorrow. We worked until around 5:30, and once we
had run out of light, we packed up for the evening. I’m getting more comfortable
with the different power tools that we are using here, and I actually did the
majority of the cutting and measuring for the last room we worked on. Dinner
was fairly scant; we ended up going to Wal-Mart after dinner and getting a
stock of frozen food for a real dinner.

The picture below is pretty blurry, but hopefully it gives
you a decent idea of what the sunset looked like tonight. However, what is
really interesting here is the ocean. Without a doubt, this is the calmest body
of water I have ever seen. It is calmer than any ocean, lake, puddle, or even
Allen’s Pond. It really is hard to imagine Hurricane Katrina roaring through
this city, sending 30 foot storm surges and endless buckets of water through
this place. Every time we drive past the ocean, I have to remind myself that
Biloxi was one of the hardest hit cities in the entire storm (many people
consider it the area most damaged by Katrina).

 The conditions here
are close to perfect right now. The temperature during the day is just warm
enough to wear one layer while working, but just cool enough to prevent you
from getting hot while working. The evenings are cool enough to feel cool, but
not cold, and the sky is completely clear. You can pick out any star, and it’s
easy to just spend time outside enjoying the weather. However, tomorrow is a
new work day, and so I am going to say goodnight. Hope everyone had an awesome
weekend, and I’ll talk to you all tomorrow.

God Bless,

Ben