I've started this entry about seven times now, and erased the beginning each time. This is not one of those evenings where I've got a clear thought to motivate some long, winding post.

I have also erased this line about three times.

The bottom line is that my fingers can't move quick enough to capture everything right now. Nothing major has happened, no event has changed my life.

I can't stop erasing my post tonight; everything I type is forced.

It's funny how much two years can do to you.

You want to know why I don't want to go into politics anymore?

I hate to lie.

See, the truth is that I, as a naturally cynical person who doesn't give out trust particularly easily, would seem to fit right in. The irony of this is that despite my hatred of lying, I am extremely good at it. In fact, I would wager that you would be hard pressed to find someone better than me at lying. For some reason, I have been given the ability to convince other people that what I am saying is the truth, regardless of whether it is or not. Call it a gift, call it a curse, whatever you choose. I would probably make an excellent politician. I don't get stage fright, I don't get intimidated or nervous, and I am very well informed and educated on the issues, be it social, moral or economical. I am, by nature, a convincing person.

But the bottom line is that I am discovering more and more each day that life isn't necessarily about doing what you're good at. Let me repeat that, just for impact. Just because you've been given a particular ability, it doesn't mean that God's plan has you using that ability for the rest of your life. Of course you're going to use it sometimes; I use my ability to remain calm in pressure situations on a daily basis, and it comes in handy very often. But next week I am leaving for a week to attend a youth work camp with the youth from my church. The entire week will be spent meeting new people, stepping out of my comfort zone, and using tools and hands to rebuild for those who are less fortunate. But guess what? I'm terrible at meeting new people. One on one social situations scare me, because I still live each day with a small fear in the back of my mind that tomorrow the world is going to wake up and decide that I'm not worth their time anymore. It may be irrational, but it's there, and there's no point in denying it. In addition, I'm not particularly gifted with power tools or paint brushes; I can get by, but I am much more suited for spending time behind a computer screen writing an awesome speech or a rambling blog post.

But I'm not going to let that stop me. Just like the last work camps I've been on or the trip to Biloxi I've taken, I'm going to force myself to step out of my comfort zone. I am going to take something that I am not particularly gifted at, and make the absolute best out of it. This reflects on my larger point about life; I'm seeing more and more with each day that life isn't about what we want do to. It's about the purpose that God has for us. For my non-Christian friends who read this, you are certainly welcome to stop here. I know some of you have expressed frustration in the past with the fact that I consistently relate my blog back to God. But hear me out a little bit, honestly. I think we can at least agree that life has a greater purpose. If there was nothing important in life aside from having the best time one could possibly have, then there would be no need for things like unconditional love or forgiveness. If my only purpose is to enjoy my life, then why would I love someone unconditionally, even if that person hurts me? I would simply move on. Thus, our human nature reveals the truth that most people take faith in some sort of higher calling. It may be religion, inner strength, a particular earthly cause, or anything of your choosing. For me, that purpose is my faith and the strength it provides in daily life. Thus, it sometimes directs me to do things that I'm not comfortable doing, and in reality, don't make a whole lot of sense. For me to direct the musical at Trinity the year after graduating didn't make any sense. I'm a terrible dancer with no artistic mind and a decent voice. But it has lead me to a strong relationship with my younger brothers that I have learned to treasure and embrace. In addition, it has opened me up to the passion that is my work with the youth at church. I listened to God, not me. It wasn't my decision.

And I'm telling you, right now I'm trying to tune myself out. If I listened to myself, I'd go for the ego job. I love being in front of people; I love the attention, the feeling of a captive audience and and hundreds of eyes following your every move and hanging on to each word. But the bottom line is that I serve a God who demands that I go out into the world and love mankind. He doesn't care whether I'm comfortable doing it or not.

So this brings me full circle. I'd probably make a pretty decent politician. But I'm not going to explore that path for a minute, because something in my head is telling me that I really would only choose that to hear my own name. When I tune myself out and listen to my God, I can hear what I need to embrace. The attitude I need to embrace is that of reckless abandon and extreme selflessness; the only time I should hear my own name should be when I introduce myself to strangers. There is no value in life when you simply listen to yourself and follow the path that seems like the most fun. Sure, maybe you'll have a good time for awhile, but chances are that if it was fun and easy, it isn't going to last. Life is full of challenges. One thing I try to remind myself each day when I wake up is that I am one of approximately seven billion people alive on this planet. Think about that. SEVEN BILLION people, and we are but one. To be selfish and act as if the world revolves around us is to commit the ultimate act of narcissism. How dare we complain when there are children each day who die with no food or water, or who are sold into the devil of human trafficking, forced to live their lives being raped over and over by strangers with no regard for basic dignity? This time in our history of mankind is no time to be listening to ourselves; it is a time to trust our God, for the consequences are drastic and far-reaching.

To close, I have stated something in the past that many have criticized me for. It is this: animal cruelty is a terrible thing. Those who partake in it are vile and disgusting. However, when every man, woman and child in Biloxi has a home again, every child in Africa has medicine and shelter and safety, when every soul on this earth has heard the Gospel message, and every person in the world has been told they are loved, then, and only then, can you talk to me about animal cruelty. See, the point of the statement essentially has nothing to do with animals. We are human beings, and every human being has a basic common factor. We love. And thus, we must cast aside ourself and our inborn selfishness and find the path that will allow us to love the most. Whether you believe in God, god, or anything else, you cannot disagree with that statement. Life is about those around us; idealism in the grandest and yet most miniscule sense of the word. For me, I love not as myself but as a crooked vessel for the perfect Savior. But for each of us, we need to find that message to carry.

As Moulin Rouge so perfectly sums it up,

"all you need is love."

I’m witnessing a drama.
Drama.
The beauty of interconnected souls, inadvertently ruining the impossible fathom of love.
Peaks and valleys, increasingly bipolar
as the remains of the heart float away.
There is no hope.
The protagonist has become the hunter
Born without senses or sensation; heartless in perfect ignorance.
The last remaining hero has been vanquished
The one solitary warrior no longer holds the light of day.
He has been wronged; left for dead without a Samaritan.
Agony.
Pain.
Suffering.
How can such common words summarize the life of a champion?
History is penned by the victor
So why doesn’t virtue hold the pen while falsehood falls by the sword?
My heart goes out to you.
You, who invest in the drama I watched so many years ago.
The greatest battles are won in the dark of night
Yet evil patrols this very domain.
If life was meant to exist as a paradox
Then why do we desire for all to be right?
Stop reading your part in this drama.
For just like the greatest dramas ever penned,
The end is still fiction.
Just like the beginning.

I am dancing in my room to obnoxious pop music. It is 1:30 A.M.

Sometimes life is just good.

There's an old episode of Lizzie McGuire that deals with the crucial matter of signing yearbooks. In this particular episode, Lizzie laments at one point that all people ever end up writing is "you rock, don't ever change" or something to that effect. However, when she eventually gets her yearbook back from Gordo, her secret crush (and my absolute favorite television character), he has simply written "you rock, don't ever change. Except I really mean it."

If this doesn't speak to the power of love in its most simple and perfect form, I have no idea what does. You can call me ridiculous for drawing such a dramatic conclusion from a show meant for pre-pubescent girls; frankly, I don't care. Think about it a little bit. Imagine all the things that must have been going through Gordo's head; he's trying desperately to get his best friend to notice him, and he has a rare opportunity to hold her full attention. He wants to be clever, witty, smart, sensitive, and sweet, all while someone making her realize that he really is the one. However, because it's a yearbook, he can't be too lengthy. Yet, despite all of those things that he would love to accomplish, he chooses to simply write the truth. Even if he may never be noticed; even if he may spend the rest of his life in love with a friend who will never see him the same way, he chooses to tell her to never change. It's the truth; it's love. Not romantic love, it is entirely separate from a crush. He loves his best friend, just the way she is, and the best way for him to express that is to simply tell her the truth. Don't ever change.

This scene came to my mind tonight after hearing someone casually use the phrase "I love you" earlier this afternoon. It was said from one friend of mine to another; two platonic friends who are completely different and will never be more than friends. The phrase itself was used in the humorous sense; thrown in as a "haha I love you" after the sharing of some ridiculous story. Again, however, in this particular context, I almost saw as much passion in that exchange than I do in two individuals who claim to be "in love" telling one another that they love each other. This person was laughing; simply enjoying the moment and forgetting all concerns. They found such joy in the simplicity of a ridiculous story, and it prompted them to form that simple bond of love with the other person. There were no hugs, no kisses, no flowers or vows; it had no romantic context whatsoever. In a sense, what the person was saying is "you rock, don't ever change."

I guess the point of this is that I love simplicity. I love the acoustic guitar, I live for quiet evenings in the Barnes and Noble cafe or having lunch with people and just enjoying the beauty of conversation. I love hearing thousands of people singing together. I love the feeling of the rain or the sound of rain against the window. I love being barefoot. To me, all of these things represent a certain purity; they share a common factor in the sense that they are my experiences. Many other people love these same things, but for reasons that are unique to them. No two individuals feel exactly the same when they read a book in a quiet corner or fall asleep to the rhythmic tapping of raindrops. There is such a inherently simple beauty to them, and yet they are so tremendously complex that we will never truly understand why they have the effect they do. Save your science for someone else; science can't explain why I love to feel my bare feet touch the ground as much as possible. There is an intrinsic power in a situation that is so incredibly simple that it is too complex to understand.

So we come full circle. Why should the phrase "you rock, don't ever change" mean so much? Because it turns a generic, overused middle school phrase into an outpouring of love. It turns a sentence with no meaning into a love letter with every meaning. It communicates years and years of friendship, memories, emotions, and passion, without the use of endless paragraphs or elaborate music. It holds every little thought and hidden secret that is begging to be recognized, and it expresses the deepest and most basic desire of an aching heart. It contains an autobiography of recognition that the one way to be happy is to wish that others achieve the same.

And yet it is the same five words.

The reason I'll never leave this journal is simple. A lot of the time, I'm writing to myself, and I'm perfectly alright with that. Don't get me wrong; I love my ridiculously connected sites like Facebook and Twitter. They have their place, and generally I use them a lot more than I use Xanga.

But tonight is a perfect example. I have about eight billion different things on my mind right now. I would love to rant a little on those other sites about something, anything, whatever is on my mind. But I always feel like people attach some ulterior motive to anything posted on a site that people actually visit, as if I carefully plan every tweet or facebook status in order to impress or interest as many people as possible. Frankly, I could care less if people read what I write these days. Does it make for more fun when I have readers and feedback? Of course it does. But I'm really not that interested in trying to impress people with amazing photos, fascinating notes, or anything else like that. I am who I am, and I'm content with that. There are some days that I wish I could be a little cooler, a little more attractive, a little more socially skilled, you choose one. But those feelings pass pretty quickly. There are certain things I will never be, and I may as well accept that. This isn't some emo rant; I'm not upset in the least. Confused? Of course. But I'm always confused about something. I guess I've just found myself a little frustrated lately when every little comment gets interpreted like I sit awake at night and plan how to make myself look as cool as I can. I'm Ben Garmoe. Take it or leave it.

Yellowcard keeps me sane on evenings such as this.

"And if it's healthier to leave you be, may a sickness come and set me free.

Kill me while I still believe that you were meant for me."

As some of you know, I have a tradition of sitting down on Mother's Day and writing an entry about the women in my life. I've done this a number of different ways, including trying to thank individual people and talking about what the women I know have done for me. Today I wanted to just write a simple note about where I would be without the women I know.

I've always been someone who has related a bit better to girls than guys; although I do have a few amazing guy friends, the vast majority of my close friends are women. And to put it simply, there are no words strong enough to describe how much they mean to me. Obviously my mother tops the list; there is no one in my life who is a bigger fan of me and everything I do. Despite everything I have put my mother through during my nearly 20 years alive, she still continues to love me unconditionally. She kisses me goodnight every night before she goes to bed, and doesn't hesitate to interrupt whatever I may doing in order to accomplish this. She has seen me at my weakest point and carried me; she has held me while I cried and danced and screamed with me when I accomplished something I had been striving for. She is the rock of this family; when my mother leaves for a week, I lose weight, because I forget to eat aside from late night junk food purges. There is nothing my mother would not do for me or my brothers, and there is no battle she would not fight for us. The only time I have legitimately yelled at a complete stranger was in defense of my mother; I will not back down from anyone who shows her disrespect. On some days she drives me crazy with her Blackberry addiction, and yet I love her still. Besides, after the number of times I've lied to her, disrespected her, and done countless horrible things to her, how could I possibly stay mad for a few too many text messages when I'm not home after work? I could sit here and write for hours, but the point is simple. I love my mother, and I will always love my mother. She is my rock.

My friends will always have a special place, as they are my caretakers. Just as my mother is my rock, my friends are my shelter. They will sit through the most ridiculous of conversations, listening to me as I rant and ramble about what may have set me off that particular day, and then they'll do it again the next day. They will interrupt me when I get ridiculous, they will put me in my place and make sure I know when I've crossed a line, and they will always have my back when I need them most. There is nothing more I could ask of them. It would be absurd for me to try and mention individual people, as there is just too many people who choose to love me, for some strange (and still undiagnosed) reason. As I said, they are my shelter; they will shield me from life and help me to my feet when I have fallen down. What else could I possibly say to give them credit for what they do in my life? I joke often that there are several women in my life who could get me to do anything they want for them, and its the absolute truth. It's really simple. They would do the same for me, so I try to show the same love in return. It's the least I can offer.

So as I always encourage us to do, guys, take some time today to just think a little bit about what the women in your life mean to you. Whether it's a mother, girlfriend, wife, daughter, friend or any other person, make sure they know what they mean to you. Trust me, it's worth your time.

And women, Happy Mother's Day to all of you. Enjoy it.

When I watch people squander everything they've built in life so far, just to enjoy themselves for a few years, I wish I could somehow bring them in my mind for a minute or two. When I see someone who built such an awesome academic profile in high school which earned them scholarships, awards, accolades, and prestige, and then I watch them squander it like it's not even a big deal, I wish they could understand a little more of what it feels like to be on the other side. I wish I could let them feel what it's like to sit down in the office at the local community college with a random advisor and plan out a way to build your GPA back above a 1.0, to start. I wish they could understand what it feels like to unfold your report card, see a 1.84, and realize that every activity you participate in; the activities that are the only things keeping you going, are now out of the question. I wish they could know what it feels like to be told you needed to wait one more year to even apply to colleges, because there is no feasible way they will even glance at your application until your transcript improves. I wish they could understand how I would give anything to be in their position; successful in high school, attending a college they chose, not having to work a job to help out with tuition, not having to even contribute to their families anymore because they are too busy having fun and actually making new friends. It has nothing to do with family or how much I love mine; it's a matter of understanding. For once in my life I can honestly say that I have a life experience not many others have. I have the experience of reinventing myself, 100 percent. I have gone from the slacker to the smart kid. I have gone from "that kid" who never does homework to "that kid" who kicks everyone else's ass and isn't afraid to take on the teacher either. I spend several hours every day lying awake thinking about life and how I still struggle with exactly what path I have to take. I am in the position of having to hide from and embrace my past at the same time. There is no way to hide the fact that I failed statistics twice and nearly got kicked out of community college, so I am forced to embrace it and speak openly about such experiences. Yet at the same time there are people who will never accept that I have purged that person from my life, and thus I must hide that year while still embracing it as the truth.

And then I see people who have been given everything I so strongly desire; yes, they have earned it, but they seem to forget there are others out there who have not earned anything so far. I would give anything to have made this discovery in my life five years earlier, but God has a plan, and I have chosen to accept that and live with a purpose. However, this does not change the fact that it makes me furious to see people given such an amazing opportunity and yet they cast it aside as if it had no real value. I want to scream at them, shake them and try to explain to them what it feels like to spend two weeks running home from school trying to beat your mom to the mail, because you have a show that weekend and if she gets to your report card before you do, you won't be leaving the house until Monday morning and you'll probably have at least three screaming arguments with your father in the process. Is that so selfish of me to want these people to understand this? There is nothing more I want in life right now then vindication for my past mistakes. The day my report card from this semester goes online and my grade point average climbs above a respectable 3.0 and quite possible 3.5, I will be a man of few words and many tears. I take no shame from this fact, as it represents a complete understanding on my part that NOTHING in this world is free. When you earn something, always remember two things. One, you earned your achievement through tremendous amounts of hard work and dedication. And most importantly, two, remember that for whatever you earned, there is someone who did not earn it who will happily take it from you if you begin to feel entitled and thus stop working. Nothing in life is free; I have learned this for sure. Only one thing is free, and it comes not from this world. Nothing we experience as humans will ever be free.

So the next time I see someone throw away an opportunity I would kill to have, I will go through two emotions. One, I will be angry for a brief moment, as I would give nearly anything to hold the opportunity they are discarding so easily. Second, and most importantly, I will smile. For I have seen the other side, and I now know the truth. Nothing in life is given, and everything in life can be taken away. However, when someone takes this for granted and throws away what they have been given, it only represents an opportunity for me to pick it off the ground and make it my own. "One man's trash is another man's treasure." This may not make sense to anyone else; that doesn't bother me. In my mind, it's rather simple. Don't take your eyes off the prize, because there's always going to be someone right behind you who is glad to take your place.

I have put so much of my life into my classes this semester that I almost don't want summer to come.

That is revolutionary for me, and I think I love it.

Easter is the best day of the year.