July 27, 2012

  • my bridge to nowhere

    I had a very death-filled day today.

    Granted, that isn't really true. I suppose it is, but not in the context that sentence appears to suggest. I was doing some reading on the Olympics tonight, and it reminded me of the gut-wrenching documentary One Day in September about the 1972 Munich Massacre. I found that documentary on YouTube and was watching a portion of it, when I noticed one of the related videos was the 2006 film The Bridge, which studies the epidemic of suicides at the Golden Gate Bridge. I clicked on that video because I've seen that film before, and for some reason I watched it from beginning to end. 

    Side note: the first time I watched that movie, I was sitting in the control booth at the theatre I used to run sound for, fighting over text messaging with my ex-girlfriend slash then-somewhat still girlfriend regarding a party we were supposed to go to. Holed up in the little crevice between the wall and the power amp rack, I would pause the film, sometimes with an individual in mid-jump, and send another passive-aggressive message trying to cling to something I knew was a waste of time and yet could not separate myself from. I would then resume the documentary until my phone buzzed a few minutes later. I'm not sure if I remember that fight because of the suicide movie or I remember the suicide movie because of that fight, but the two are irrevocably linked in my mind. 

    Returning to this evening - I finished the movie, set down my computer, and decided to continue watching Scrubs (I'm currently making my way through season six). I figured it was a good way to relax my mind after randomly submitting it to multiple snuff films within heartbreaking interviews from those left behind. Naturally, the episode of Scrubs I watched centered on suicide and was not remotely funny for the majority of the twenty-two minutes it played. In the episode, a patient who the cast had grown attached to attempts suicide because he cannot return to the military due to his injuries. Naturally, each character then spends the rest of the episode introspectively pondering their own dark times and using that to relate to one another. Needless to say, it wasn't a pick-me-up. 

    Suicide is a rough topic. I tried it once - I've told the story here, and it's just something I've learned to accept. I went through a period of time when I probably should have been receiving professional help for feelings for worthlessness and an inability to motivate myself for basic tasks. I quit a dream summer job eight days after leaving home because that battle came back, really fast and stronger than ever. If you think you're feeling worthless, try waking up to the Rocky Mountains. It doesn't help. Honestly, I'm not ever going to be completely convinced that I'm worth something, at least at every moment of every day. I think that's a commonality, to be truthful - from what I've seen, every human has a moment where they feel like a waste of air. 

    Here's my point: it comes from faith and philosophy. The central teaching of Christianity (when not distorted and politicized) is sacrifice: living and making decisions not for personal well-being but because of others. On those darkest of days, I think of my family and the devastation I would cause for two brothers who I couldn't possibly be more proud of, and two parents who have given everything to help me accomplish even the smallest of achievements. Whether I deserve it or understand it, people care about me. That's a responsibility that cannot be taken lightly. When you kill yourself, you're not hurting yourself - you'll never understand what you took away. You're devastating the people around you, who would give anything just to be the first stone on a path to recovery or stability. 

    The philosophy of the cross isn't so crazy, then - we live for one another, both in life and whatever the opposite happens to be. Accomplishments and achievements are inherently defined by a population, as greatness is a manifest of rising above the crowd. We are meant to exist for one another, or we have no means to exist at all.