April 25, 2012

  • globalization

    This is my first attempt to write an entry of semi-serious capacity on the Xanga iPhone app. I have 40 minutes to kill in the Writing Center and a head full of frustration, exhaustion, and general need for a long break involving the beach and no technology.

    Here's the deal: I'm not going to pretend I'm having a great semester. I dislike or borderline despise the vast majority of my classes, and I can't seem to get healthy. The combination of allergies (which are particularly brutal this year), poor eating habits (usually due to a lack of options) and personal stress and frustration has led to a generally lousy mood. I alternate between loving and dreading my job, and summer holds only the promise of departures and more classes. I don't know when I'm going to take the LSAT, and I don't have room in my schedule to take the prep course I'd like to take. I look back at my GPA from community college and would basically give anything to make it dissapear so schools can't ask about those ugly semesters of Ds and Fs, with a few incompletes tossed in for good measure. I've built myself a bit of an obstacle course, and I'm struggling to figure out where I left the map to make it through.

    I also keep looking back at one circumstance and wondering if I made the worst decision of my entire life. I'm certain it's just melodrama from a tired and overwhelmed guy, but sometimes it seems like more than that. It affects the way I interact with people, and it darkens my usually positive and optimistic outlook on something that used to bother me.

    I can't pretend to understand what to do in a few situations right now, especially given that my common sense and my impulses are running in completely opposite directions. I've gotten really good at being logical and rational over the last few years, and yet all that training seems to be abandoning me right when I would find it most helpful. People often tell me to just shut off my brain for awhile - that's funny to hear. It just can't happen. Trust me, I've tried.

    God, this is a load of whiny bullshit, right? Look; I'm incredibly blessed. I have a loving family, incredible friends, and a life ahead of me that is completely uncharted and full of unpredictability and uncertainty. That's a good thing, and I recognize that truth. The truth is that I'm a fairly simple guy in some respects, and this is one of them. I think about everything that happens to me, and usually I love that I'm that way. It allows me to find things in other people's lives that might not be visible at surface level. But sometimes it just gets a little heavy for myself, over-thinking and reprocessing every event and outcome. In the end, I've got so much to love and so many people willing to share life with me. I have nothing to complain about. But sometimes the simple things in life seem to weigh a little more than usual, and this is one of those times. Nothing is coming easy, and that makes everything seem like it's moving around me while I'm bolted to the ground.

    In the end, I'll do my best to remember how much good each day holds, and I'll trust myself to figure the rest out as it comes along. I can live with that.