December 31, 2009

  • when we're old men.

    There comes a point (or many points) in each of our lives where we have to accept the fact that a certain period of existence has come and gone, and there is nothing left to do besides move on. Let's be honest here; is there anything that we as humans are worse at doing than letting go? When it gets to the end of the year, the end of the decade, the end of the millennium, etc, we spend hours and days making useless and asinine lists of the "top 10 celebrity tweets" or the "biggest ass clowns of the decade" as opposed to actually focusing on using these artificially manufactured transitional periods as a time of self-reflection. Sure, the local news does a cute feature-ette at the end of the 4 PM broadcast where they send some ill-fated intern to the area mall to ask about "New Years Resolutions," but in the end, no one really cares how much weight you say you're going to lose or how many different countries you promise to visit before you kick the bucket. The reality is that its a lot easier spending time rehashing past mistakes and prior glory days than it is to actually acknowledge the fact that life moves towards the positive numbers and time travel just can't happen.

    What is a "new year" anyways? In the grand scheme of things, it means nothing. Think about it. What is the most meaningless day of the year? December 30th. New Years Eve, Eve. It's not quite to New Years Eve, but it is so incredibly on the cusp that people fluster away their waking hours with trivial discussion of the various plans they have made to create a New Years to remember (or unfortunately for my generation, a New Years so filled with alcohol in order to create a memorable evening that it typically ends in a morning where no one seems to remember anything). December 30th is a lost day. Many people take off work. Kindergartners through college students are fully engaged in winter break mode and often have no clue as to whether it is Wednesday, Sunday, or still No-Shave November. Think about it. If, for some reason, history and mankind had dictated a 364 day year, December 30th could be the greatest day of the year. Bells would ring, couples would hitch, and Dick Clark would make his annual rise from beyond the veil to serenade us in between clips of Ryan Seacrest and the Jonas Brothers. A year and all of its significant dates are completely arbitrary. It's like the concept of Valentine's Day. If you never tell someone you love them, but you always show it, it's a whole lot better than if you don't show your love but once a year you drop some cash on factory printed cards, odd-tasting chocolate and jewelry from the only place that was open until 11 the night before.

    My point has nothing to do with Valentine's Day, New Years Day, Flag Day, or any other "day" of the year. It can be summed up easily. Just like these society-created holidays are trite and manufactured, so is this notion of this thing we call "the past." Sure, there's nothing wrong with some fond recollections, but by imprisoning yourself in the jail cell of what life used to be, you're allowing this popular notion of factory-generation holidays and flashback movies to dictate who you are as a person. If you want a New Years resolution, there's my suggestion for you. Swear off these ridiculous rules we've set on ourselves about time. God isn't bound by time, so why should we bind "Angels We Have Heard On High" to Christmas or "Christ The Lord Is Risen Today" to Easter? Love isn't bound by time, so why does Mom only get a gift on her birthday and "Mother's Day" (whatever the heck that means).

    You see, as my best entries often are, this one contains the faintest tint (i.e. is completely full) of hypocrisy. I'm terrible at successfully carrying out everything I just said. It's part of the reason why I still slip back into old habits of remembrance and longing, even after such a significant block of time for recovery and rebuilding. Sometimes I feel like the best advice has to be hypocritical. What could be a stronger testimonial for the merits of abstaining from drug abuse than the life-long addict who knows the true pain? Sure, it may be hypocritical for him to tell you its not worth it, but you can be sure he knows what he's talking about. So I humbly present myself as a relatively parallel example to the drug addict, only in the context of being addicted to what has been and not what will be. See, there's nothing wrong with being addicted to the future; in fact, it is something to be encouraged. A healthy fear of what is to come can only bring about the positive traits of preparation and humbleness, so long as one learns to accept the fear and use it to build upon.

    So when am I going to stop sounding like a Jedi and start speaking English? How about right now. This has been a year of tremendous challenges, complete with one that turned out to be a much higher mountain than I ever thought possible when I started climbing. But I've also felt myself undergo a dramatic and wonderful transformation from a lost young man to a study, confident adult who has a plan in live and a passion for living for God that has lain much too dormant for the past several years. I look forward to the challenges of this year we call 2010, and I firmly believe that at this point next year I will still be writing in this journal, penning another confusing and unnecessarily word-filled thought about what has transpired over the previous 365 days.

    Until then, my New Years resolution remains the same as the one I made this past summer and have referred to on this very journal. I will continue to attempt to reach that beautiful point where I can trust myself not to trust myself; not to put my faith in my human abilities or attributes, but to the gift I have been given by You in order to become a stronger and less flawed beacon carrying a message of hope and salvation. For this I will make no apologies and offer no compromise.

    So until then, as I reflect back on this decade and the fact that over half of it is chronicled here, I will remember one thing above all the rest; everything else will fade to black. As for what I'm referring to, I think it may be the one thing I'll keep between myself and my God.

    Trust me though; it's not hard to figure out.

    Happy New Year to all.